I have a heart that loves truly, madly, deeply, and a mind that chooses to (most of the time) think the very best of people. Sometimes, even to the point of painful disillusion and ultimate devastation at the truth that some people kind of suck... But, I love talking to people in a personal setting across a table, hearing about their joys, hardships, plans, past life experiences, etc...I love even more gut-wrenching disagreements with rational adults who are open (as I try to be) to finding truths bigger than we are in answers that we may or may not have.
It is for these reasons that I hate to admit this deep, dark truth about myself...I despise parties. I don't like large get-togethers much. And I cannot function normally in a room full of strangers. I get jittery, I sweat, and when someone asks a question of me (anything at all), I literally stammer like I have a speech impediment.
A few years ago, I went to a Conference and heard a speaker who had this same affliction as I. He was a Statistician and was able to retain all kinds of information and was just a fascinating person! He studied people and our different personalities for a living and saw certain things in himself that he was able to recant to us. I was amazed as he told of his own fear in going to parties. (This is a guy who actually meets foreign dignitaries, has tea with the Presidents and Kings, and gets photos with Celebrities). He told us that he has formed a well-structured plan that works for he and his wife for any party type scene. His wife (the outgoing of the pair), enters the room, owns it, and immediately begins to mingle through the crowd with finesse. He, on the other hand, makes his way to food/drinks, scans the crowd with keen eyes, chooses three targets for the evening, looks at his watch, then sets out on three separate interviews. Each of the three recipients of his time will be asked several key questions, meant to get them talking about themselves long enough for him to learn interesting and fun facts about each, but also limiting their access to his own life stories. Each interview takes approximately 15 minutes, at which time, they've surely lost interest in him and their eyes begin to search for a new venue, or he "sees someone he just has to say 'hi' to across the room and excuses himself". This was an all too familiar scheme to me! Without ever even comprehending that this was my plan, I've done this for a long time and it has truly gotten worse over the last several years. I've become almost anti-social in most instances and all-too-happy-to-move-on when the "interview" has ended.
Now, there are occasions when I am among people I've known since childhood or who are close family members with whom I am at complete ease. There are also times when it is appropriate to put myself aside and go "full-on" into mover and shaker mode so that I appear self-confident and interesting (if you could see my face right now, you'd notice the way I am sneering and laughing lightly at that last statement: ha,ha!)
It's interesting to me that God created all of us so very different from one another and yet so connected by our differences and also by our similarities. When I meet people I think are like me, I make assumptions that they are completely like me which generally turns out to be a gross oversimplification and truly wrong assumption indeed! When I meet people who are dissimilar from myself, I usually feel drawn to them because of their ability to "own" the room in ways I can only dream of! My husband is one of these people. People have often accused him of being able to "sell ice cubes to Eskimoes", a phrase he does NOT take too kindly to. He is a kind and generous-hearted guy who happens to have a way with words that makes people want to hear more. Because of this, he appears smooth and sales-savvy. But, his code of honor keeps him from using this ability to "sell" someone on things they don't need or want. He's no fraud. And I love these things about him.
I'm so glad that we are all so different. I'm so blessed by the fact that each of my children are a perfect (but different) conglomerate of both my husband and I, their life experiences, the make-up that they were born with, the bents that follow, and the personal relationship each of them have to God which allows them to form who they really are and want to be.
I love that each of us has their own "task list" which we bring to the family dinner experience on holidays and days we're all together. This is how that looks: I will do the indoor cooking and will be heavily relied on to make all the favorites including desert. Jim will do the barbecuing and will most certainly leave a trail of mess behind him as he goes. The dogs will clean up any drippings from that meat or sauce that occur along the way. Ann Marie will help with the preparation and will make certain that all of us come to the table on time and will keep the conversation alive while there. Luke will plan the after dinner activities for us...whether it be a game, movie, or sitting outside on the porch, he's got it. Elaina will help through the entire process and will probably have a special dish of her own she wants to prepare for everyone. Jim will come to the kitchen to help aid in the clean up process and bottle his own BBQ sauce to hand out to neighbors and friends who look forward to that gift several times a year!
So, I guess it's ok that I'm a bit of a recluse sometimes. I enjoy being alone, reading, writing, studying, praying, pondering, playing piano, singing at the top of my lungs in an empty house, etc...But, I also relish the times with those I love, and even occasionally enjoy getting out and meeting with people I don't know as well. It's always good to stretch myself and I try to do so at least once a month.
