Who is God?

Before I try to define the One I cannot begin to truly comprehend this side of Heaven, I must admit who I am so you'll understand why it is I wish to write this blog. I am a middle aged Mom of three, wife of 28 years, now Grandma to one sweet little boy. I am a Christian and I love Jesus because I know He's the only One who really gets me. I was raised in a Christian home; my Dad was the choir director at that church for many years, my Mom a Sunday school teacher, VBS leader, Cherub Choir Director, leading Soprano in the adult choir, and the first woman ever to hold the position of "Deacon" in said church. In our house, we were taught to go to church every Sunday, wear the appropriately dressy clothes and shiny shoes, never cuss, be kind to others, pray every day at every meal and again before bed at night. My parents were kind, respectful of one another and us, and they loved Jesus. My Mom, in particular, was an example of a woman of God because every day when I'd come home from school, she'd be sitting at the kitchen table reading her Bible with home baked cookies or something equally wonderful to eat, She'd invite me to sit down with her, enjoy cookies, and tell her about my day. This was something I didn't even realize was unique to our home. I guess I just sort of thought most people lived this way.
When I got older, I began to get teased quite a bit about my "Beaver Cleaver" family and about how I just didn't belong in that family. My friends knew I liked to get into trouble a bit and that when I wasn't home, I cussed and did things that were contrary to the way I acted at home. At some point, I began to believe that I really didn't belong in this family and that I needed to set my own path...one that would scream out my independence from my parents, my family, my church, and everything that was "goody-goody."
I had a short lived period of time in Junior High when I wanted to live like a Christian girl, but honestly, I just found that there was no competing with the kind of fun that one could have when no rules were applied to life. I saw God only as a judge and jury and I only felt guilty. I also had my first heartbreak and it somehow closed me up emotionally and I never wanted to feel vulnerable again. And that combination proved too powerful and so I began High School.
Soon after 9th grade, I found vodka and pot. And they felt good. I don't want to linger on these things because I don't really want to "live here" for this post. But suffice it to say, this led to a downward spiral for me that led to addiction, exploration of all kinds of other drugs, sexual promiscuity, and eventually depression and suicidal desires. I'd walked with the devil and allowed him to set me up for years. I didn't know how to change who I was. Although I grew out of most of these behaviors,  I needed a breakthrough.
After marrying my husband we had two little girls. They were the light of my existence. Motherhood turned out to be the thing that drew me back to church. Churches offer something almost no one else does...Free daycare for hours at a time, Other Moms to talk to about everything, and Free coffee to drink to your heart's content. I found a group of young Moms, many like me who were young, inexperienced, loved their kids, but didn't really know how to incorporate all the parental love and good upbringing many of us had received as kids. But, as time went on, we began reading our Bibles together, praying together, talking on the phone to each other, sharing life with one another. It was amazing! I began to rely on God to help me quit bad habits that were not ok for me anymore as a Mom. There were friends who fell away and that was right. They weren't evil or even bad. We just simply had different agendas to life now. And mine was to be a good Mom.
Something I'd never really been privy to even though I went to church most of my life was the Holy Spirit. I knew the story of Pentecost and that the Disciples of Jesus had experienced something that was kind of crazy where they saw tongues of fire above one another's heads and each one spoke in different languages, wholly understood by the people they could not confer with previously because of their language barriers. Sadly, this was the only thing I understood of the Holy Spirit other than the Holy Spirit dwells inside of all believers. I didn't have any idea what that meant. And quite honestly, as I read the Bible on my own, I had no true understanding of what it was I was reading. The words were old, didn't always make sense, and sometimes I read things that just didn't seem to be loving or kind and that didn't seem right if, in fact, Jesus is love. I began to desire a deeper relationship with God and I prayed that He would open me up to a new understanding. But day after day, the same thing would happen. No clarity would come, no lights would pop up, I simply was doing the assigned study, hoping my friends would give me grace when my answers would be different from theirs at our next study group.
Then an amazing thing happened! I had a dream unlike any other I'd ever experienced. I knew somehow that this dream was a message from God that He wanted to depart to me. I knew it was important and that it might change me forever if only I could figure out what it meant...I prayed to God for enlightenment, but nothing. I asked Jesus to make things clear, and again, nothing. I cried, I prayed some more, and still nothing! So, I asked God to simply speak to me, lead me in obedience to Him, and something happened. I heard a voice inside my head that told me to kneel down. And I did. Let me just stop here and tell you that kneeling was NOT something I did. It scared me to do so. It felt awkward and a bit phony on my part. But, I really wanted to know what God wanted me to know. So, on my knees, I cried out to God again and asked Him to speak His truth to me. Again I heard a voice which said only "lower." I knew He meant that I should kneel down even lower so I put my face to the ground and again asked God to speak to me. He spoke and said "Even lower." I really thought that was crazy because the only thing lower was smack dab on my face, legs laid straight onto the floor and arms above my head also laid flat on the floor. But I did it. And I wept as I asked God to speak to me. But He was silent. Totally, completely, undeniably silent. I stayed like that for several moments, still just weeping and from the depths of my soul I cried out the words "I need You Holy Spirit! Please help me to understand and to know You!" And as soon as those words left my mouth, a strange thing began to occur. A language that I'd never heard before poured forth from my lips. It was beautiful and odd. It was Him! It was the Holy Spirit driving away the distance between my God and my self. It was a connection between angels, all of creation, Jesus, God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and little old me and we all agreed that God is loving, He is good, He is worthy of praise and honor, and in this very moment of time, He wanted to be with me and show me that He loves me, He hears me, and He answers the persistent prayers and petitions of His people. I knew within moments exactly what the dream meant, every little nuance of it and how it must be applied to the life I live here on earth. I knew in seconds that life would never be the same for me again and that this God, this Jesus, this Holy Spirit, they are real and they are exciting and relevant. My life has never been the same since that day.
So now, let me try, on this day, one day after the terrorist act upon a bar in Orlando, Florida, the massacre of at least 50 people (probably more) who identify themselves as members of the LBGTQ community, to explain my initial question...who is God? Because I heard our President make a comment today that I believe was meant to instill the idea that the God I love, Who loves me, Who looked at me when I wanted nothing to do with Him and said to a suicidal, drugged out nothing in society, that He loves me, as I was, just as much as He loves me today, somehow, isn't loving toward a community of people who identify themselves as LBGTQ. And I want to say that I am absolutely, 100% positive that that is an untrue statement! The God Who is King of the Jews is the same God Who is Jesus, is the same God Who is the Holy Spirit, left behind by Jesus Himself to draw us closer to His understanding and the revelation that God indeed loves ALL people. God loves you if you're divorced. God loves you if you're sexually immoral and sleep with anyone and everyone. God loves you if you've been married and faithful to your spouse for 50 years. God loves you if you're gay or lesbian or transgender.God loves you if you're full of spiritual pride that you don't deserve. God loves you if you give money to feed the hungry or if you give only to selfish desires. God loves you if you are a drug addict or alcoholic. God loves you if you hate Him. God loves you if you are a terrorist who's intent upon killing anyone who does not ascribe to a hateful ideology under a false god. God cannot not love you. It's Who He is. He created love! And He doesn't require you do anything, say anything, or change anything about yourself to make Him look lovingly upon you. He is Father to all. He is Savior to anyone who asks. His Holy Spirit is available to help anyone who wants help and claims that Jesus is their Savior. Period! You see, it's not that God doesn't already understand everything about us. It's not as though He doesn't know what we think. He knows us. He knows our life. Whether you care to acknowledge Him or not,He knows you, everything about you, and He loves you right now. He desires to fill us with a kind of love that changes our perspective on almost everything. He simply requires that we come with open hands and open hearts to receive His love. That's it. The rest is up to you and Him to decide together.
As a member of the Christian church, I want to be clear: I don't hold any degree, award, or life-experience which allows me to judge any part of you or your life. Nor does any other person on this earth. God is the only One Holy enough to judge. And He chooses to love us anyway. He did that through Jesus. The only truth I know is that Jesus is all about love. You will never find a hateful word out of His mouth, you will never find an incident where He walked into the life of someone living in a way that was harmful to them and others where He embarrassed, or publicly humiliated anyone into following Him. He simply told people the truth about their own life, told them He could change them if they followed Him, then transformed what was so broken in them into something beautiful. This is all Jesus wants for any of us. He wants to show us His love. He wants to heal what is broken in us. He wants to meet us where we are, tell us the truth about what we already know but don't know how to let go of, and then show us a love that is completely free of anything foul.
Jesus would be in the hospital in Orlando, FL today, laying hands on those sick and wounded if He still walked upon the earth. The truth is, the Holy Spirit is praying for the entire LBGTQ community all over the world today through Christians all over the world. We stand with you and your families and seek an end to violence and hatred. We seek a truce and want you to know because Jesus loves you, we do too! We apologize for hateful remarks made by a misunderstanding Christian few who forgot about the love of Jesus and drew upon biblical stories meant to caution us as to sexual immorality of ALL kinds (my own included), and instead turned one story into a mantra meant to hurt you and cause a rift between us. God is love. God loves everyone. And that's who God is. He's not a Sunday school teacher, He's not a Choir Director, He's not a youth Pastor or a Missionary, He's not even a Pastor , Priest or Pope!!! God is God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He began Creation in love, He sent Jesus to atone for the problem of human sin because He loves us, and He left the Holy Spirit to His believers so that we might truly know that amazing love and spread it to the furthest reaches of the earth. It's complex and it's simple: God is love.

Your Reason ~John 18:1-11

Offered the bread, offered the cup
Opportunity to know what's up
Will you come to the garden to pray?
But they couldn't stay awake, not on this day
Hundreds came to harm the Lamb
Asked "Are You He?" Jesus answered "I Am!"
Something about You caused all to bend a knee
Even the one who betrayed You could see
The arms which embraced in scorn
Lay submitted on the ground, all pride from him torn
Your loved ones awoke but didn't understand
In anger, Peter slashed out with the sword in his hand
In love,You created healing to replace
Although there was sorrow seen on Your face,
Your mission was clear from the Father of Love
He directed You to rise above

You chose to suffer for us to have life
You whose hands hung the stars at night
You Who created every living thing
Jesus, who one day, all will bow to and sing

You were scorned, beaten, mocked, and bruised
Tormented for being King of the Jews
Yet even as the blood ran from Your head
You thought first of our sufferings instead
You pleaded with Your Daddy for our sake
As You hung there for every abomination we could make

This was Your reason for coming to Earth
This is the miracle and our greatest worth
Thank You for the gift of undeserved forgiveness
Thank You for calling me to be Your witness
May I spread Your truth with awe and grace
And inspire others to seek Your face
Use me, my Savior, mold me with Your hand
As, in spite of our weakness, You call Your children into Your land

Courtney's Poem

She stood by him brave and tall

Stood by him through it all

Never was there a moment she counted it a loss

Never when it was painful did she, a relationship toss

As Mother, Sister, Daughter, Aunt, Grandma, or wife

She stood as God’s example of endurance through the strife

And now as she faces what may be the battle for his end

My sister breathes in every moment of life she can spend

My Jesus, as we stand amazed by her great strength

We cannot help but hope for Steve, You’ll grant his life some length

But we bow our hopes unto Your will and with You we believe

That whatever time is left for them, into Your arms, he’ll be received

Please wrap Your loving arms around this family in distress

Help them know that You are standing guard and will not leave behind mess

For in Your perfect timing, all of us are going home

And in Your beautiful Presence, we will find one another's arms

Heavenly hugs will be shared once again by all who call You Father

In Your Son’s holy name, Jesus You are our Healer, Your Spirit our Counsel without falter

Give ample amounts of Your love to these, our sweet beloved

Watch over Steve, take his pain away so that he can live unencumbered

Your love is perfect, Lord of all

With peace not understood but felt as he’s called,

We enter these days unknowing how it’ll go

But we trust that in Your hands, all will be ok. And we know

That You love your child Steve and would have suffered if only for Him

Because that’s Your brand of love and the way of Father Elohim

Give joy for these times together, allow the unspoken to be said

There are new mercies every morning, God’s poems of love for you to be read

You are so loved so very prayed for, all these months and days

God’s eyes are upon you, His breath whispers to you in the waves

Take comfort in knowing You are never alone. God cares about every single thought

He’s closer than He’s ever been to each of you.This battle’s already been fought

And we win in the end!We’ll stand and rejoice

As we take hold of hands and lift up our voice

Together once again, on that beautiful day

Together in eternity, where written in the clouds is Steve and Courtney

David and Belonging

Yesterday I had the fortune of spending a few hours babysitting my Grandson, David. He is my delight. When I say that, my face lights up with a smile from ear to ear, and a heart-warming heat runs through my veins as I imagine his little smiling face and hear him say my name (David's special name for me) "Mudder." David brings a much needed love explosion into my life which a Mom with grown-up children needs, but doesn't know she needs until she's there...I missed those little tike hugs, kisses, needs, and time spent on the floor playing in a world made of their imagination that they would allow me to enter into. Little David has filled that gap for me and my cup runneth over with love for him. It's a beautiful thing.

Yesterday, David was a little under the weather and Mom needed to leave the house before Dad got home, so I went over for just a bit to watch him and get him fed, etc...When I got there, I received the warm reception I'm used to now where David is squirming and jumping up and down as the door is opening, so excited to see me and spend time with me. He leaps when he sees my face and he runs into my arms and I pick him up, hugging him tightly and saying hello. It's the best welcome ever every single time. And so I know that to David, I belong to him and he belongs to me.

Our sermon today at church was three-pronged, but one of those points was about just this subject...this belonging. To one another, to our family, and to the family of God. This caused me to think about my time with David last night. David, because he was a little bit sick, was a bit difficult to please when it came to dinner. Finally, he asked for some Spaghetti O's and because I have a very private love affair with the same, I immediately agreed that Spaghetti O's it would be for dinner! When I saw that the can also had little hot dogs in the O's, I was overjoyed (secretly, of course. Because I'm an adult and adults should not eat Spaghetti O's). After the food was ready, I got David his Minions plate, a bowl for myself, two glasses of Sunny D, and two spoons. We sat down at the dinner table, and I asked if we should say our prayer. David nodded yes and I put my hands together. David looked at my hands and said "Mudder, we have to hold hands when we pray!" I agreed that that would be a MUCH better way to say our prayer, took one of his hands in mine, and then took Monkeys hand (Monkey is David's stuffed toy that goes everywhere with him currently) and began to pray. At the end of our prayer I said "Amen" and David echoed my Amen with a "Thank You Jesus!" (Seriously, couldn't you just die from his cuteness!)

As anyone who has ever eaten with a three year old can tell you, they spend about 1/8th of their time at meals actually eating the food on their plate, another 1/8th of their time drinking their drink, and 6/8ths of their time playing around, creating little scenarios of fun while they are at the dinner table. I actually find this quite endearing as a Grandparent. (I admit however, that I did not love it quite so much when my kids were younger. I just wanted to be done and had little patience for waiting). I see now that this time at the table with kids is so very precious. And I love that I get to watch the wheels of David's mind at work, creating little scenes about his life that have absolutely nothing to do with the food he's eating, yet somehow, are incorporated into the meal itself.  After his first bite of Spaghetti-O's with hot dog slice, he began running his finger down the neck of his spoon. On the spoon were five slightly raised dots, beginning with the largest of dots at the top and getting smaller as the neck of the spoon became smaller. David pointed to the dots and said "this is my family." He then pointed to the top and largest dot and said this is Papa, the next was Mommy, then was Grandma (not me, his other Grandma), then Daddy, then Rudy (his little Min-Pin doggie). At this point, he ran out of dots so he began at the top once more, and said this one's Doh (that's my husband Jim), then Mommy, Uncle Luke, Mudder (me), and David! (Note that Mommy got two shout outs...that's as it should be!) After David named all of these people, he looked at me and just beamed with joy. He not only belongs to these people, and them to him, he knows he belongs, loves that he belongs, and is confident that everything is ok because of this belonging. It's a truly beautiful thing. The joy that exists inside of children is something I wish could be bottled and sold. I'm certain we would all buy it and use it several times a day. There's just nothing else quite like it.

It occurred to me today as I sat listening to the sermon geared for families as it was a special service meant for kids and adults, that we are never too young, too old, or too mature for our need to belong. Our culture is geared toward helping each of us meet that need. We only go places and hang out with people that we feel belong to us and us to them for one reason or another. Whether it's where we work, our favorite grocery store where we know which aisle houses our favorite BBQ sauce, our gym that we work out in comfort and nod at others as they jog past , our church home where we find large group services to attend, while also finding small groups to engage in like-minded activities and studies with, book clubs where we read, discuss, and explore ideas with people we enjoy, and, of course, family and close friends that we eat meals with, share life, and who we love no matter what they say and/or do. We need to belong. When we stop feeling that connectedness to one another, to the world, to God, we lose our purpose in life. Belonging is maybe the most important thing we ever experience.

I am so glad that I know I belong to God. I am so glad that in His amazing love for me, God saw fit to reveal His love for me through His Son Jesus, who left His throne in Heaven to be born as a human on this imperfect earth, raised as a man, yet still God, living 100% free of any sin (wrongdoing), took a punishment worse than that of anyone I will ever meet or know, put to death in a public humiliating and agonizing way, was buried dead in the tomb for three days, then brought back to life by His Father God to begin a new movement whereby, through our belief that Jesus is the Messiah, Son of the Living God, we have the opportunity to choose Him as our Savior, live our lives as a sacrifice (imperfect as that may be) to Him, and find that we belong to God's own family, and will spend eternity with Him.

I don't begin to understand what it must have been like when that glorious reuniting came to be that Father God once again beheld His Son Jesus in heaven after Jesus had been physically gone for some 30 + years. But I do imagine that the sense of "belonging" and of being Home once again must have been intense and just the most holy of moments for both Father and Son.

I imagine my going Home one day to be with my Abba (Daddy) in heaven much the same way I remember my Grandma Priefert as she lived her final days on earth. Here she was, dying and separating from the physical. She was in terrible pain and agony. She was getting smaller in her physical body, but she knew that she was increasing...Increasing in spiritual strength as she neared the day that she would finally see her love, her Savior, her heavenly Daddy, Know His Spirit deeper and join with all of heaven in praising and honoring Him. When she was close to death, she raised both hands as high as she could, and with the most beautiful smile and as if she were already halfway there, she was heard to say "I'm going home!" This was a woman who knew where she was headed (home) and who it was that she belonged to: God!

My prayer for anyone and everyone who may read this is that you, too might know that you belong to a family. If you are someone who didn't have the sought after experience of a loving family, or even if you had the best family growing up and you are blessed with wonderful memories of what family is, no matter your background, I hope that you will know that there is a family that you are wanted in...that there is a Father who smiles, hugs, laughs, and loves deeper than any earthly father ever could. And that Father wants you to be His child. He offers a forever home where you belong if you only simply believe. He wants you to make him the top dot on your spoon. You are loved and you belong.

Desert

What is this desert
This dry, sandy walk?
What have I done Lord
To create pebble and rock?
In dependence I'm searching
Desiring Your touch
Yet, still there's such emptiness
This loneliness, my crutch
These tears which present themselves
Seem never to end
They're offered to Your glory
Holy Spirit, descend!

I'm searching for Your eyes
To meet these lifeless pools.
Will Your ears listen gently
While I break legalist rules?
Surrounded by this deafening wind
Inside this desert's shell
Creating deepening madness
A longing to free this hell.
Please help me break outside these bounds
Create a refuge, my River.
Walk out to me with arms of love
And I'll run to You, my Deliverer!
Take me far from toil and pain
Where a kiss will annoint
Tears are priceless, not in vain.

I want all of You Jesus
I miss You, my King.
Until we are together,
I've lost everything.

Don't turn away, allow me the joy
Of experiencing moments to delight in Your glory
I admit I'm unworthy with no right to ask
But I'm desperate for You Father
In your Presence I must bask!

Let me view from this wasteland
Some hope in the night
Your light in the distance
Radiate warmly into sight
Bring refreshment, bring truth, bring comfort to my soul
And may I never again lose sight of the One who makes me whole.

First poem after becoming a Christian because I Wanted to be one (not just because I went to church)

I guess I'm finally growing up cause this sure feels like growing pains to me
How could I have known that friends who'd meet me mind to mind
Would be the ones to challenge the very faith they helped me find?
I was handed a beautiful cup and told to drink
Then they pulled it quickly back and cautioned "don't forget to think"

So I prodded and I poked
Sometimes blasphemed, even joked
I didn't see beyond the words or what Your word was offering me
Eventually...
You'd had enough of my self-righteous, prideful and unholy stuff
So You helped me see
By opening up Your truth so that grace could set me free

My God I know I've let people come before You
I put works in front of grace
Sought my glory, not Your face
Lingered with those who'd question instead of questioning my faithfulness to You
And I'm so sorry

Please forgive me, I have sinned
I confess this selfishness within
And seek Your cleansing, Holy River, let it flow
I give it all to You and let it go.

For Luke (my College boy who hates going to class but loves to praise Jesus)

You're stirring up this thing in me
That doesn't yet have a name
But it's for real and it is true
Nothing like a game
Your goodness and Your mercy
They are the leading force
This classroom I wanna sit in and see
I wanna pass this course

Cause You called me and I said Yes
And now I'm in for good
No more junk and no more stress
Excuses and lies won't be misunderstood
I want all of You, I want every part
I'm covered in grace, You've filled up my heart
Jesus, Jesus, give me more of Jesus!
Sweet and kind, Redeemer Jesus!

A New Way of Life (Again)

I have a confession to make: I am a TV, Media, and Computer junkie. I spend countless hours every single day watching the news, reading Facebook posts, and watching reruns of Law & Order, King of Queens, and Everybody Loves Raymond. On the surface this is not so terrible a thing. I'm not ashamed, just simply wanting more.
I wonder what would happen if, for one month, instead of watching tv or computer/phone, what if instead, I took that amount of time to simply be with God. What if I read my Bible and expected that God would speak truth in ways I've not considered before. What if as I skipped that time where I decompress into nothingness in front of the tv, instead I found a quiet place to get onto my knees and pray for the things that God would lead me to pray for. So instead of praying that God would keep America safe from terrorists, perhaps my prayer might look more like "God, send them here! How else will they know You if we never tell them? How else will we reverse this plague of violence and hatred felt by all of us if we don't learn to love like You love?" And what might happen if, instead of allowing the comments and opinions of others (which, let's face it...no matter your political or religious affiliation, sometimes you are just really, really angry and/or hurt by something you read), I sat quietly and just asked God to speak to me. To guide me and teach me how to be the woman He created me to be.
If you're still reading this post, then I have to assume you're interested in something of what I'm saying here. So, if indeed that's you, I challenge you to join me in finding a newfound peace in spending time that matters with God. He rejoices over us when we fully engage with Him and desire His will, His ways, His word.
My hope is that after this month is over, I won't want to become complacent again and will continue on to seek Him instead of mindless, useless drivel. (Ok, a little tv time won't kill me. I'm certain I'll watch something, but less time given to that can only be positive.)
"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him..."
May you find yourself strengthened as you commit your life to Him.